This Definitely Won't Get Me Back on Bleacher Report
by Cindy Falteich For the first time in a long time, the Phillies are bottom-feeders. They’re scrounging for a W in a division defined not by wins, but by those who float to the top with the fewest losses. Where unfamiliar names like Pierre, Nix, Orr, and Wigginton patch holes in an offense wounded by the premature expectations of something greater. Sounds like my honeymoon. The Phillies can’t win, my husband is out of town, and I’m about to get my period. It’s time to get down and dirty. Did you know there’s not a synonym for “dildo” on Thesaurus.com ? You probably didn’t. How embarrassing. You also can’t find the cure for an impotent lineup. I keep thinking Charlie has a secret weapon up his sleeve—a chant, a strip-o-gram, a superstition—something he does before reporters are allowed to enter the locker room. Wait, we might not want to see that. Maybe there’s something he says that players are threatened not to repeat—like the things I say around my son th