Philadelphia Phillies: Band-Aids®, Boo-Boos, and Uh-Ohs

This morning I chased a rogue eyebrow hair for 46 tries. Then I opened the patio door and threw my cheap tweezers as far into the woods as I could. Now I know why people pay $10 for a pair of tweezers. Nothing is more frustrating than something getting the best of you.

Ask little Davey Herndon.

Herndon was stellar from the bullpen this season until that fateful April 16th against the Marlins. His 96 mph sinker was hit on the ground—just like it was supposed to be—except that day they hit ‘em where nobody was: five times in less than an inning. The misfortune earned him his first ERA of the season: 7.71.

Then he got it together for a few outings until the strike zone mysteriously shrunk in the eighth inning of the 8-6 loss to the Diamondbacks in the final game of the series. That tragic evening gave him his first loss of the season.

But his problems aren’t Rich Dubee’s only plight. Cole Hamels continues to “mature,” JC Romero is taking his time defining his post-supplement self, JA Happ lent his inconsistency to Kyle Kendrick when he replaced him in the rotation, and Brad Lidge and Joe Blanton are still playing house in the minors.

It’s a sad state of affairs when we’re praying Jamie Moyer doesn’t get hurt.

At this pace, the obscure names in the bullpen will become household names. An already overtaxed bullpen is the result of early season hiccups in the rotation.

Well, except for one piece of it—that $10 pair of tweezers, Roy Halladay. I can sum up his usefulness in three words: I'd do him.

Ruben Amaro Jr. has to be wondering if he should’ve splurged on a guaranteed way to pluck out more batters with, let’s say, Cliff Lee.

Okay, that’s the last I’ll whine about it. But it’s no comfort knowing those hairs will continue to grow where I don’t want them long after I’m dead.

Now that’s a pretty picture.

I think the problem lies with three guys: Kyle Kendrick, Ryan Madson, and Cole Hamels. I call them the Three Trees. They’re a forest of talent but they’ve yet to discover their 2010 wood. If I have to, I’ll summon my x-ray vision and find it for them because I know somewhere in there is the balls to do the job. I just wish they’d use ‘em. God knows, I wood.

Don’t look at me that way. I’m not the first to use wood in a double entendre—I’m not the first to even dream about a double entendre. And I don’t even know how that would go. I guess it depends on who’s on top. Is that what that tea bagging thing is all about?

Hey, they don’t call the biggest club in the bag a wood for nothing.

Kendrick showed cahonas in Spring Training, and Hamels had girls wearing his name to bed in 2008. But Ryan Madson is trying to walk in the shadow of Brad Lidge. The problem is, we never know if Lidge will appear as an oak or a pussy willow.

The pitching staff isn’t the only ailment. The stamina of the roster is questionable. Placido Polanco has a boo-boo on his elbow, Greg Dobbs wears a Band-Aid^® on his calf, and now Juan Castro, who replaced the disabled Jimmy Rollins, has been swapped because of a hammie for Wilson Valdez—the guy we thought was brought up to start at shortstop in the first place.

Charlie wanted to get his bench players game time but I’m sure he hadn’t planned to spend this much time in the dugout with his starters.

Now he knows how Jerry Manuel felt last year.

Then there’s Raul Ibanez. His slow season start could be attributed to the time it took to recoup his shape after his surgery. But I think he’s suffering from what I call “The Placido Effect.” It’s when the new guy comes to town and steals your thunder. Either Raul needs to find the perfect prescription or he’ll have to down a sugar packet or two.

Or maybe they just need something to rub off on them. And not my neighbor’s dog. Perhaps the team should summon some luck from that toothless lotto winner.

Actually the whole toothless thing isn’t indicative of the Philly crowd. You have to go into western PA to find petrified tubes of Crest at the CVS. Philly fans have more class than that. They’re known for displaying signs with the number of hotdogs they’ve eaten on Dollar Dog Night and then puking up on their neighbors.

Good times.

All joking aside, the Phillies deserve better fans than that. They’re vying for their third straight trip to the Series and there’s a bunch of games left to get there.

Let’s show some real class.

See you at the ballpark.