Philadelphia Phillies: I Got Something at Half Mast

I'm writing this from a hotel room near the scenic Georgia-Florida line. When I tell the locals I'm from Philadelphia, that either makes me odd or special.

My husband says in my case, those are the same thing.

I made an important observation on the trip down: When you pass a car in the pouring rain and every window is cracked three inches, you instantly know someone farted.

You know when you're too far south on 95 when billboards start advertising live baby gators, BBQ, injury lawyers and pro-life propaganda, followed by none other than Cafe Risque.

I think they skewed the order. I'm pretty sure it's pro-life then BBQ except after strip club. And injury lawyers should come after baby gators. Or before them.

I should let someone know.

June is National Candy Month. When it comes to "National (insert cause here) Month," I feel slightly unfulfilled. 

Now, give me National Eye Candy Month and I'll buy t-shirts, hone my sarcasm and warn my lawyer.

You're welcome                     

Thanks to a Phillies road trip as sucky as a Chevy Chase vacation, my prediction was correct: They barely held on to the NL East lead.

Don't get me wrong, I don't like being right. It just comes naturally. Especially when I have no recollection of ever being wrong. 

My husband says I can skip the "ever being wrong" part. 

Then it happened. The fall from grace. Or just first place. Maybe I’m being dramatic. Or maybe the Braves' winning streak sucks for us.

Maybe it's injuries. God knows how much it hurt to watch the Braves' come-from-behind walk-off win sealed by notorious Phillie killer, Brian McCann.

The Braves won't be the only ones celebrating his retirement.

Maybe it's the season. It's June already, the time of year when if you're playing well, the All-Star Game is loaded with your team's players, and if you're not, you demote Jake Pivetta to AAA.

It's that time of year when if the lineup is hitting, every kid wants to be a major league baseball player, and when they're not, you're relieved you're not Gabe Kapler.

It's that time of year when you think John Middleton is the man when you hear Bryce Harper hits .356 with RISP. But the rest of the time you wish he signed Mike Trout.

In the Spin the Bottle for the best return on contract this year, Manny Machado sliced his 9th career grand slam over the head of Bryce Harper.

Literally and figuratively.

Sales of #3 jerseys have mysteriously fallen off. My suggestion is, send Bryce on field without one and see how attendance perks. 

It won't be the only thing on the rise.

That's if you consider my libido. Or yours. 

I have to apologize. To this point in my blog, I've assumed all of you have vaginas, naturally, because it's a superior organ. If I could create the ultimate replica and give those away to new subscribers, imagine my popularity.

But then the Chinese would copy it, make an inferior model, sell it for pennies and limit you to one. Then we'd all be back to trolling Tinder. 

Damn, technology.

AARP spokesperson Andrew McCutcheon is out for the season. I have my flag at half mast. 

Actually, I don't have a flag but I took off my bra and shook my girls until they were sagging badly. 

Unlike AC/DC, I didn't have to do it all night long. 

Father Time was signed to replace Cutch and suddenly Springsteen fans are chanting Bruuuce again. Like I always say, when you play for the Phils, it's helpful to pick a nickname that rhymes with "Boo."

In Bruce's contract agreement, he's owed $21 million for 2019. This year Bryce will pocket $30 mil.

When's the last time one letter was worth $9 million?

Pat Sajak just verped on Vanna White. 

If that's what you want to call it. 

A Florida thief tried to open an ATM with a blowtorch. He sealed it instead. 

My husband says a blowtorch should be limited to lighting the gas grill. 

In an effort to recruit more employees, Wal-Mart and McDonald's are adding college perks. Management should go back themselves and take economics. Pay people more and they'll work for you instead of the competition.

Just ask Scott Boras.

Jason Mamoa was on Ellen. She's bummed that she didn't get to shave him. 

There are some things I wish I didn't know.

Some guy named Adam Haseley was called up from Lehigh Valley and had a bunch of major league firsts: first hit, first RBI and first contribution to a come-from-behind win. For a brief moment, he took the heat off Vlad, Jr.

I bought a bra from True & Co. I could say it's about comfort but if that was the case, women wouldn't buy shoes.

Jake Pivetta went from the stinky kid to Homecoming king overnight with a complete game.

The Jay Bruce/Scott Kingery combination is as effective as Retin-A and botox. Or duct tape and an underwire bra. 

Choose your own metaphor. And send it to me.

I reached a point when I was 29 years old, where I was suddenly considered pretty. And I thought, no reason to pay for more education. So did the driver of this:

Ol' #4 is still cranking out volts

Imagine opening your Uber app and in your area, a cart from aisle 5 is an option.

Welcome to Georgia. 

You know you're in trouble when you ask the GPS to get you home from here and it says, "No known route."

I won't see you at the ballpark. 

But I'll be here. In Georgia. 

Wish me luck.


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