Philadelphia Phillies: It's Gone!

Wow. It’s not going well. I don’t need to recap how poorly the Phillies have been performing. It’s like the pharmacy is plumb out of Viagra.

The stats say it all and I’m sure by now there’s not much left to say that hasn’t already been said.

Except this: Aunt Dorothy died.

Yup. She lived a life void of the Phillies, the Flyers, or even a genuine Philly cheese steak. The last month of her life she knew nothing of a third straight NLCS wish, a Stanley Cup quest, or the end of Jayson Werth’s sultry bearded body. And she was fine.

We will be too.

But can you believe it? Jayson shaved! I knew he went hairless hours before he unveiled his baby-soft cheeks on TV because I saw Todd Zolecki’s post on Twitter.

I’m so cutting edge.

And as suspected, Jayson got his energy from his hair. He struck out three times and hit into one of the double plays that ended three consecutive innings. That’s one way to shorten the torture that seemed unstoppable at Citi Field. Thank God it wasn’t a four game series. This one seemed to last for eternity.

Well, maybe that’s an exaggeration. Just ask Aunt Dorothy.

Liberated woman the world over are now burning their signs. There’s no more, “Be the Beard,” or “Beard Power.”

I have a new one myself—“Jayson I’d Still Do Ya.”

After an excruciating two hour rain delay, the Phils moved through the first few innings doing what they haven’t been doing—failing to score. It was as frustrating as watching Twilight. By the end of the third, they’d managed to chalk up 31 innings without a run against the opposition’s starting pitcher.

Then the question popped up on “Stump the Fans.” My husband calls it “Stump the Dummy.” Here’s why. The question was, “Which pitcher holds the Mets’ rookie record for most strikeouts in a game?”

I said, “Twelve.”

I heard, “You moron, they want a guy’s name.”

I said, “I’m going with how many strikeouts. I’m Irish. Not only do I not know the answer to the question being asked, I don’t know the answer to the question not being asked.”

Aunt Dorothy would understand.

In the sixth my son stated the score and the obvious, “We’re only down by one? It feels like so much more.”

By the eighth, he’d discovered that our TiVo remote won’t go through his knee or the cat, but it seems to pass easily through my head.

My husband said, “That’s why they can 'Stump the Dummy'.”

When it was all said and done, the Phils had hit their way to the National League batting average basement.

The ship started to sink in Boston against a hurler they call Dice-K and took on a bunch of water over two consecutive games against that rare MLB commodity called the knuckleballer.

Hey, I heard Pedro Martinez is taking lessons from R.A. Dickey.

But let’s look on the bright side. Three runs is the Phil’s smallest margin of loss in this five game skid, and Cole Hamels is now a four-pitch guy.

I love variety.

Carlos Ruiz is back in the game and doesn’t blame his bum shoulder for his poor performance at the plate.

Pssst, Carlos… that’s what excuses are for. Just ask Jesse James.

Jimmy Rollins is eligible to return on June sixth. And just a hair over three stints on the DL.

Shane Victorino is the Phillies leading hitter with RISP in the lead-off spot, which is ironic since he’s the batter with the fewest runners in scoring position when he takes the plate. He also leads the team with nine steals. And last night he broke Mike Pelfrey’s 96 inning record for not allowing a steal.

He’s my own personal Speedy Gonzalez. But I’d hate to be drunk in bed with him. Not only would you not remember, there wouldn’t be much time to not remember it.

And did you know that Rockies ace Ubaldo Jiminez leads the MLB with a May ERA of .097?

He’s NOT learning to throw a knuckleball.

Neither is Aunt Dorothy.

In five straight losses the Phillies’ NL East lead dwindled to 1.5 like toilet paper in a sorority. Now the team can slither out of Flushing, NY after helping the Mets move from last to third in the division. And they head to Florida to play a Marlins team that recently gave up the third spot to the Mets.

It’s like wife-swapping only with knuckleballs.

I have no idea what that means.

I’ll end it there. Besides there’s not much more to say that hasn’t already been said about what the Phillies have not been doing.

But remember, it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s that you got to play.

Just ask Aunt Dorothy.

See you at the ballpark.


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