Philadelphia Phillies: Have Wins Been Redacted?

I haven’t bought a pair of underwear in six years and honestly, I’m a little peeved that I have to do it again so soon.

My husband says that’s an unrealistic expectation. 

Since 2016, we’ve had a lot of those.

In honor of the Mueller report, this blog is being redacted. I don't know what that means exactly, but from watching the news, I'm guessing lubricant and latex don't apply.

Take that anyway you want.

I guess I could Google it but I'm not that type of intellectual.

I get my energy from the air. 

My point is, I have no idea what I'm doing.

My husband wants to know how that's different than any other day.

Here's what women say about their partners in therapy. At this particular moment, I'm sure one of these applies.

This morning I dusted my bedroom, filed my tax stuff and put my winter clothes away. All of this started simply by trying to find my cell phone.

The Phillies are cleaning house too. You either perform or you're gone. From what I've seen, so far that only applies to hot dog vendors with high blood pressure and Nick Pivetta. 

He was redacted to the IronPigs with a pat on the back and a comparison to Roy Halladay who also worked out some kinks in AAA. 

Nick can't come back until he earns his marginal utility badge. 

Since he departed, the team is 1 for the last 6. I'm not saying there's a correlation here, but it could be time for a redaction.

Because I haven't established what that means yet.

During one of those losses, Bryce Harper was ejected. To that point in the game, it was far more rewarding to fall asleep without brushing my teeth than watch another lackadaisical error. 

But with a shot of Bryce vitamins, I felt redacted.
A Redactor

Like the guy who, during the Mets 10-inning blowout, let his exuberance overflow onto the field. 

Back in my day, if you did something that stupid, at least you took your clothes off. 

After an embarrassing chase, only the security guys who went to spin class could redact him. 

For all you armchair redactors, here's a compilation. I'd especially like to hear the ribbing this guy got for "going after the girl."

Through observation and research, I've concluded that Citizens Bank Park is the most crowded on Hatfield Dollar Dog nights. 

It's amazing how much people will spend to get a wiener for a buck. 

I don't know which one of these facial expressions is a redaction. Possibly both.

Before you read this next tweet, what are the odds that one of them has a creative application on Tinder?

Bryce Harper collected five hits in a game for the first time in his career. These included a clutch double against the Rockies in a 17-hit, 12-inning loss. 

Yeah, you read that right. A loss.

That's like getting dressed for prom and having your date redact. Not that I know how that feels.

Or what it means.

The MLB Morning Lineup has a daily trivia question. Here's mine:

Guess what I'm wearing.

My husband says that's not how it works. He says my brain has been mysteriously redacted.

I feel even smarter. 

On April 23rd, 2005, “Me at the zoo” was the first video ever uploaded to YouTube. In it, a guy stands in front of elephants to make the point that they have long trunks. He stretches his conclusion to 18 seconds.

We should have known that fourteen years later, 65 years of twaddle would be redacted to YouTube daily. 

Most of it is videos on how to fix something that will eventually result in calling a professional to "pick their brain" on what went wrong because you're still too cheap to pay someone who knows what they're doing.

Some of it is music videos and original programming made with something that resembles forethought.

Most is compilations and pirated shit that corrupts the creative spirit. 

Like those featured in this blog.

Then there's Ze Frank. In my book, he has redacted where others have failed. 

Puffy sleeves are back. This is definitely something that should be redacted for all eternity.

This is a sign of the apocalypse. More so than Zombies.
A sign of the Apocalypse

Or an alien invasion.

Or peace in the Middle East. 

Or another social media platform. 

At least it's safer than butt implants. 

In either case, your IQ has been redacted.

Huffpost featured an article on Gandhi's search for the perfect diet. Considering the guy spent most of his life fasting, I hope they didn't look far. 

Drew Barrymore uses a wall hanging from Etsy to hide her television. When someone comes in while I'm watching porn, I find that turning it off is equally as effective.
Tiger's Final Putt

As if you needed a reason to believe that numerous forces were working in Tiger's favor at the Masters, this is the radar when he shot his last putt.

According to five Philly CEOs, this is how you shut down mansplaining at work. They recommend things like ignoring the asshole, acting like the adult or counting to 10.

I'd like to pose a redaction. When I'm being mansplained, I prefer responding with an air horn, fart spray (like this best seller) or humming Kenny G off key. 

Because I'm a grown up. 

You can also let the 'splainer know how redactive he is by making a funny face. I recommend something like this:

Last but not least, you can channel your awesome inner toddler. From what I saw at the Brett Kavanaugh hearing, he prefers this method too. 

In the Argentinian town of Pilar, cops claim mice ate half a ton of marijuana in the evidence room. Actually, I believe it's more typical of mice to bake it into brownies.

A possum was living in a seven-year-old’s room for three days before anyone noticed. Because a marsupial will only linger for a long weekend before it gets up the nerve to ask for the john.

On Earth Day, Barry Zito helped save the planet by instructing the 26 spectators in attendance to join him in singing the national anthem. 

Without microphones or talent. 

That's it for me. My husband is calling. Hopefully, I'm being redacted. 

Or about to be. 

Or I've already been. 

Or he is.

Or you are.

See you at the ballpark. 

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Copyright © 2019 Cindy Falteich, All rights reserved.


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