Philitically Incorrect

Weeks ago, when there was a rumor connecting Bryce Harper to the Phillies,  I had one  thought: I wish there was a rumor connecting me to Bryce Harper. One that didn't end in a lengthy court case.  Hope springs eternal Since then, the 330 Million Dollar Man caught heat from the Angels for publicly "recruiting" Mike Trout.  The whining was heard 'round the world. The Angels threw out a strong term for what he did: "tampering." I've been accused of that. If that's what you call it. And to take the heat off my new top pinup, in this post, I hope to make it vividly clear, this might not end well. To make sure I effectively shield Harp from scorn, I've even drawn from past posts. This will emphasize a few points: You should take a spin through my archives and, just like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. As Richard Branson says, "Be a disruptor." In a 1000 words or less, that's something he'll soon regret.  Caution: Spe...

The bad news is the Phillies dropped the first game of Spring Training. The worse news is, it was to the University of Tampa. I can honestly say I think the Phils were hoping that would go differently. Look on the bright side. Tampa is the No. 1 ranked team in the NCAA Division II. They easily edged out Taco Bell and Kentucky Fried Chicken for the spot. Maybe we can get a game against the Harlem Globetrotters? Or how about these guys: Donkey Baseball Interim and now possibly permanent club President, Pat Gillick, claims if the existing players stay healthy, a .500 season is attainable. In other words, our goal of mediocrity is well within reach. Speaking of Pat Gillick? Way to bring in new blood. What’s the problem? Wasn’t Kevin Bacon available? Bacon Made of Bacon I’ll be glad when the team is back in Philly. It’s embarrassing to lose to amateurs. Besides, I always get spring training confused with spring break. The former is when everyone who thinks they can score sho...

Sadly, by Cindy Falteich It’s time once again to face my certain mortality by compiling a grocery list of things no one would ever buy. It's much like the stuff you look forward to but are happy when it’s over—like the holidays. Or sex with your husband. Or mine. Or Super Bowl XLIX. What the hell number is that anyway? Is that a niner in there? Guys, let’s stop pretending we’re Egyptian. Or Greek. Or Thai. Or smart. In any case, the average football fan has no idea what you’re talking about. For Pete’s sake, I thought XLIX was the name of a drug. Or E.L. James had coined another term for erotic. Or it was a test. If we’ve learned anything from politics, it should be that we hate thinking. Anyway, as I sit here pondering my pre-death desires, I hopped on Facebook. Isn’t that what everyone does when faced with an important decision? I get the best ideas from intimate stuff that’s been shared publicly. Like an STD. My son tells me I should watch Vine vid...

By Flattish Poe I’m excited that the baseball season is in full swing. My husband was so bored in the offseason, I had to fake a bladder infection just to get some sleep. At first, things for the 2010 division champs looked promising: The February 15th Philadelphia  Inquirer   headlined the sports page with a picture of the five aces—an upgrade from the “Bought and Paid Four”. There they sat with name plates in front (like those were necessary) and the words “Spring Training” and the familiar “P” logo splattered across the back like Christmas wrap. Smiling in   Phillies   red and displaying a surprisingly low level of male pattern baldness , it was a picture I pondered cropping to make a border for my bedroom. Then again, I ponder a lot of things. Like if I change my profile picture on Facebook to a shot of my backside, does that make it Buttbook? I also wonder why I continue to buy bras—I question the necessity to house something I don’t hav...

I woke up with a stiff neck. The problem is that it lasted more than four hours. For a second, I thought my husband slipped me some Viagra. Someone definitely slipped the Phillies something. They’ve taken the lead in the wild-card race and won twenty or so of their last bunch of games. That was helpful information, wasn’t it? I would’ve looked up the facts but that interferes with worthwhile stuff like plucking chest hairs in my magnifying mirror so I can finally look at my breasts and see 36 double dees. Or watching my dog sniff the cat’s butt for the zillionth time to ensure it’s the same pet he’s lived with for six years. I named my dog Brett Farve—he’s never sure. But I’m sure of one thing: the Phils looked great when we saw them in game one of the series against San Francisco. A guy with a huge cranium and his totally bald friend who was wearing sunglasses on the back of his head took their seats between the plate and me. I felt like I was staring at Vin Diesel. Th...

Yesterday, my son wanted to go to the Dairy Queen. Since I’m trying to eat healthy, I inquired about the selections they had that didn’t resemble candy. The girl offered me a chocolate covered banana. I said, “That’s it? Don't you have a more phallic desert?” Obviously not. So when she handed the treat my way, one thing crossed my mind: I’ll have to hold this in a way that makes me look like I’m not enjoying it. But there’s no way I can hide my pleasure about the series win in the Bronx. Everyone’s thinking the bat formation in front of Chase Utley’s locker before the Thursday whooping was the series clincher, but I believe there’s only one thing that can cause a change this profound: Charlie Manuel is on performance-enhancing drugs. Of course I’ve alleged that before. But how else do you explain Greg Dobbs getting a hit, Raul Ibanez stealing a base, or the Phils finding a rally without Jimmy Rollins? When’s the last time the team hit back-to-back homers? When’s t...