Philadelphia Phillies - Harp Struck a Chord

Weeks ago, when there was a rumor connecting Bryce Harper to the Phillies, I had one thought: I wish there was a rumor connecting me to Bryce Harper. One that didn't end in a lengthy court case. 
Philadelphia Phillies fan gear
Hope springs eternal


Since then, the 330 Million Dollar Man caught heat from the Angels for publicly "recruiting" Mike Trout. 

The whining was heard 'round the world.

The Angels threw out a strong term for what he did: "tampering."

I've been accused of that. If that's what you call it. And to take the heat off my new top pinup, in this post, I hope to make it vividly clear, this might not end well.

To make sure I effectively shield Harp from scorn, I've even drawn from past posts. This will emphasize a few points: You should take a spin through my archives and, just like Lady Gaga, I was born this way.

As Richard Branson says, "Be a disruptor." In a 1000 words or less, that's something he'll soon regret. 

Caution: Speed hump ahead.

Here goes:

As you all know, A-Rod and J-Lo got engaged. I think the Mars rover even broadcast it into space. Upon seeing pictures of the most perfect duo in the universe, aliens have vacated our galaxy.

I heard Marvel retired all superheroes. Even Tony Stark doesn't have a gadget that can compete. 

But Lora DiCarlo does. 

A girl after my own heart.

Like me, you might have also watched Harold Reynolds and Adam Wainwright review the finer aspects of curved balls.

Wait, did I just say that out loud?

Jake Arrieta's birthday was last week. So was my husband's. With enough Viagra, you'd be surprised what pops out of a cake.

Speaking of... does anyone know what happens when your dog eats a 90-day supply of erectile enhancer?

My husband says, “Yeah—you call in under an alias for more.”

DNA tests confirm that Mike Pence is really a cardboard cutout. 

If we’ve learned anything from politics, it's that we hate thinking.

On that note, the list of Democrats announcing their Presidential candidacy rivals the 25-man roster. Sadly missing from the list is everyone's favorite sexter, Anthony Weiner. 

Although his exploits dominated the headlines, I still have to look up the spelling of his last name. My brain can't remember that it's "I" before "E" except after penis.

Many people claim to have experienced what the afterlife is like, but no one ever confirmed that Anthony Weiner was guided by angels.

I saw an ad that read: “Lilypad Originals—Spreading the word of God through photography." I think that's all Anthony was trying to do.

In other news, the Phillies rescued Andrew McCutcheon from the Yankees. That's about all you'll hear about it.

Aaron Nola will emerge on opening day to pitch in front of a sellout crowd. Unfortunately, Phillies fans will flood Citizens Bank Park to witness the highly anticipated emergence of another.

I'm not talking about Punxsutawney Phil. He's still on my shit list.

Harp got a standing ovation on his Spring Training debut. It was a religious moment. Even for Democrats. 

I'm thinking of seeing Book of Mormon. I want to study up on the subject because ever since Harp's body edition of ESPN Magazine, I've considered converting. 

I heard somewhere that Mormons created Viagra. I could be wrong. If they did, the disclaimer would probably go like this: “If you experience an erection that lasts more than four wives…”

My husband says, "... call your doctor and tell her to bring more condoms.”

I have an idea for a new Meetup: Why swipe left when it feels so good to swipe right?

Here's another: No STDs here.

And another: Just give me a chance.

Yet another: Fuck Tinder.

Wait, that's a tautology. Google it. That'll be 10 minutes you'll never get back.

PS4 delayed the release of The Show 19 to see if Harp would don pinstripes for the cover. If they really want to sell games, why did they even bother with a jersey?

Don't look at me that way. When’s the last time you heard a woman say, “I wish he’d put his shirt on, he has such a great personality.”

“Look at the size of his hands—that’s a sign of intelligence.”

“From the bulge in his pants, I knew he was happy to see me, but I just wanted to snuggle.”

“His Tinder profile says he likes paint-by-numbers. I'm swiping right!”

“That uniform really hugs his ass. He must struggle with self-esteem.”

“I dream of marrying a guy who slays Sudoku.”

Or, if you hail from Philadelphia, "I hope he's a Cowboys fan."

When Willie Nelson sang about cowboys, they sounded so endearing. He said they liked "...little warm puppies and children and girls of the night."

Seems like there’s a break in that sequence. He goes straight from children to girls of the night. I think that's the philosophy that led to the recent legal woes of Jeffery Epstein.

To write that joke I had to copy and paste his name. Why can't I remember that it's "I" before "E" except after penis?!

Can you tell I’m excited for the season to open? My husband is so bored, he orders from Uber Eats just to have a decent conversation.

I wish my marriage was the result of the Uberization of Everything. No, that's not a concept that started in Texas.

It's an idea that was spawned after drinking too many cranberry margaritas and puking in a guy's cab. They raised $24 billion in 10 years just so they could charge for cleanup.

Here's a surprise: Uber has never turned a profit. Like when you find out there are good spellers in the Oval Office, you might say, "Shocking!"

This survey in The Atlantic tracks 105 Uber-type companies. Like iCracked, something I did just before I started this post. And CockBlocker.

Wait. My husband says I should put on my glasses.

That's better. For a moment, I thought someone had monetized my expertise.

What if I could monetize my husband? Like Red Bull’s support of wakeboarding? Only my husband’s sponsor would be Frosted Mini Wheats.

Or since that industrial accident, Frosted Mini Wheat.

Or I could get him a cameo. Like Bryce Harper's rumored appearance on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

I hope they don't give him a role like Shane Victorino on Hawaii Five-O. If you recall, Shane played a hot, young executive attending a balmy island retreat with breathtaking scenery and horny co-workers. He was also fully clothed.

Note to producers: That’s not masturbation material.

Oy!!

There. Did I hit the sweet spot where the heat is off Harp and on me? I'm aiming for the space between making people hum an annoying sound so they can't hear me and feeling a little pukey.

You might say I'm an overachiever.

One thing's for certain: With the signing of Bryce Harper, I'm ready for some Uberball.

See you at the ballpark.

⧫⧫⧫


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