Phillies-Red Sox Game One: Women Umpires in Baseball

Umpires always have the option of confirming a call with their crew. They also have the option of reviewing a home run call with instant replay.

But they sometimes don’t.

That’s why I should be an umpire.

First of all, I’d wear a little pink. Maybe I’d swipe a streak across my lips or just pin a breast cancer awareness ribbon on my chest.

No, not on my chest. There’s nothing to call attention to there. Maybe on my sleeve, like where the Phillies 2008 World Champion patch is.

Then before each batter, I’d remind myself that you can’t actually touch the players.

Then I’d remember that this is major league baseball. It doesn’t get any bigger than this. What’s the harm in asking for some help?

The problem boils down to one thing: men asking for directions.

Yup. That’s why I propose woman umpires in baseball. We like to keep everyone happy, we bake, and we don’t mind asking for help. Sometimes we even look pretty good doing it.

And if the league’s not considering my proposal for cheerleaders, I think woman umpires would dress the game up a bit.

I’m applying. Then I’d fill both voids. I’d stand behind the plate and make great calls, and emphasize my decision with pom-poms so even if I made a bad one, my cheer would be so entertaining, no one would argue.

Maybe it’d even bring a smile to Chase Utley’s face.

Maybe it even brought a smile to yours.

How about those Phils? They can go neck-to-neck with the best. But they forgot where the finish line was. Last night’s game was like Mine That Bird and Rachel Alexandra running a horse race until one of them just gave up.

The BoSox started the marathon with Jon Lester. His performance was a lot like his season – it took him awhile to settle in. But after allowing an RBI in the second, he retired 17 of the last 18 batters he faced. Then the Phils went head-to-head with the best bullpen in baseball.

At times it seemed more like target practice with three HBPs putting runners on base for the home team, but even with Ryan Howard’s 19th home run of the season and Greg Dobb’s debatable foul dinger in the 11th with two on, the Phillies failed to come back to win.

It was a game laden with double digits: 34 strikeouts and 16 hits shared by 12 pitchers, and I counted 19 runners stranded over 13 innings in front of the 21st sellout crowd of the season.

Kyle Kendrick made his first major league pitching appearance since his spring training demotion to the minors. He retired three straight in the 12th, but was the 13th his last?

He allowed two consecutive hits and then walked a batter to load the bases before the RBI started rolling in. Three runs later, he crawled back to the bench. I know the bullpen was running out of options, but Kendrick’s not a strikeout pitcher. It’s no wonder the game got away from him.

I bet Charlie Manuel is wondering if giving Clay Condrey or Ryan Madson a second inning would have been wiser than letting the new kid take two, especially since Madson is scoreless in 24 of his last 25 appearances.

The Phils might have lost, but three consecutive extra inning games is a bunch of play. That much baseball is like a love enhancing drug. I feel like I overdosed.

But I’m hooked.

I can’t wait to do it again tonight.

Even though I’m hung-over.

But like I always say, phight phire with phire.

See you at the ballpark.


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