Philadelphia Phillies: Where's That Bryce Harper Emoji?

Now that Bryce Harper swiped right on the Phillies, the acquisition has created more buzz than the electric line that came down in another freaking area snowstorm. 

By this time in Philadelphia, two things are evident: Punxsutawney Phil is full of crap and we need a distraction. That's where I come in. Since Harper has monopolized the headlines for weeks, it's time to make this all about me. 

This whole ordeal had the makings of a Harlequin romance—tease you for 200 pages but never get you off. Until John Middleton tapped into his inner E.L. James. 

I haven’t felt this level of enthusiasm since Hunter Pence crossed the Schuylkill with chicken legs. His signing excited me so, it was the beginning of the end of my contribution to Bleacher Report.

Hey, I did what I did because love came to town. Now I’m hoping Harp’s contract will be the start of something beautiful. I need new fodder and Broad Street is horny for another parade.

Bryce Harper Ignites
Phillies' Quest

My husband says that’s hopeful for another parade.

I apologize. My excitement knows no bounds. 

While The Great White Harp delayed signing to cut down on sun exposure, millions were making knock off t-shirts to pawn outside of Citizens Bank Park to hungover spectators. And now opening day tickets are available only from scalpers for a modest commission or ticket resellers for about a third of Harp’s contract. 

One of those should be illegal.

Unlike the local bands at Philly bars who take a cut of the door, too bad Harp’s on salary. 

I wonder if someone's working on a Bryce Harper emoji. My husband says, "Yeah, it's 💲"

With the regular season rapidly approaching, I have to figure out how to get hired at Citizens Bank Park. To some, applying might seem like a logical first step. But to those who don’t know, stalker laws apply even in the workplace.

For starters, I made an inventory of my skills: 

• Whooping and hollering. I’m a noise box. I can cause temporary hearing loss in spectators within five rows. I once had a voice coach ask how I reach such volume, as in she wanted to teach her students how to also be freaks.

• Quickest draw in the restroom. My zipper-to-bladder coordination is still revered in numerous college bars. From what I'm told. 

• Easy keeper. I’m not a big eater. I’m all business once there’s a chance a player will do a full rotation in uniform. 

• Take Me Out to the Ballgame. No one sings a more passionate version than me. If America’s Got Talent ran on sheer enthusiasm, I’d be showered in gold confetti. My husband says a shower of any type is a welcome change. (Everyone's a comedian.)

• I’ve been sober for over 10 years. Anyone need a designated driver? 

My husband says people just use Tinder. I think he means Uber. 

He says no, his buddy swiped right and asked for a ride.

Give me a moment.

Now he gets it. 

Ever wonder how Uber operated illegally in Philly but was still allowed to service patrons?

Uber even got temporary authorization to operate during the 2016 Democratic National Convention. With that many liberals converging on Center City, it wasn’t the only industry deserving of a temporary pass.

I should have lobbied for a pass when Hunter Pence came to town. By showing my spirit, I used a certain word in context and was unjustly accused of crossing the line. At the same time, posts touting The Hottest Baseball Wives and Girlfriends were permitted to push the limit like a Janet Jackson halftime show. 

I feel as violated as Lora DiCarlo. Her orgasmic innovation, the Osé, won a coveted Consumer Electronics Show award that was rescinded because hers is an adult product. But a $10 thousand bot designed to slurp the gherkin, participated in 2018 without a problem.

What’s it say about society when a device that helps women climax costs a few hundred dollars while a bot to pleasure men comes in at 10 grand?

Girls can code.

If this is the case, looks like more women will stay single and more guys will use Tinder. Personally, I like to blow a few bucks on an outfield seat and borrow a strong pair of binoculars. 

Did you know Bryce Aron Max Harper is his full name? Doesn't that just roll off the tongue when he's done something naughty? 

Asking for a friend.

Since Friday, local automobile dealerships have lit up Scott Boras’ cell phone hoping to trade a big truck for a Bryce smile. And since Ryan Howard cashed out on promotion opportunities, Subway has been scanning harp.eats for anything that resembles a sandwich. 

Has anyone noticed The Bryce is Nice needs a trim? Maybe he’s waiting for the grand opening of Blind Barber in Philly. Or he’s going for the Jayson Werth look. That’s probably who he was fantasizing about when he imagined bringing the Commissioner’s Trophy back to DC. Like me on so many occasions, he ended his faux pas with: "Did I just say that out loud?"

I felt a kinship. 

What I wouldn’t do to grow a beard to hide my overbite. Wait, since menopause, I actually could. 

Every day is ripe with opportunity. 

The Washington Nationals chimed in on Harp’s signing, stating publicly, “It’ll be fun.”

Sounds like my honeymoon.

And we all know what happens when it’s over. 

See you at the ballpark.

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