Philitically Incorrect

My friend, Dave, got this message on his Fitbit: "I hope that was 10,000 steps. If not, you're about to go blind." I wonder if George Jetson got jerked around like that by Rosie. Sometimes a joke is about the right choice of words. That means s ome of you got that and some of you will be dumbfounded until Tuesday. That's okay. Stream a few episodes of The Bachelor  and your brain will again cease to function. So, I broke my toe. This makes the fact that Donald Trump is still President that much more annoying.  And the fact that the Brewers left Milwaukee to show the Phils what a top-tier offense looks like, is as disappointing as a Philly cheesesteak made with real cheese. That shit should come from cows in a can. Like real food. By the way, the Phillies are the worst team leading a division. The NL East also boasts the worst team in baseball. You can count the Marlins' wins on two hands and this includes a whopping 1 of their last 10.  They've become ...

I've been watching the internet for any sign that this is an April Fool's joke.  Three consecutive days of waking up in a euphoric Philly time loop has completely healed the carnage caused by Us. I haven't slept since seeing the trailer. The Phillies lineup, a musical hopscotch of righty, righty, lefty; righty, righty, lefty, is coming together like the chorus line from Newsies. And fans are screen-shotting the National League standings at MLB.com for their profile pics.  Or that's just me. My dog is even happy. She hasn't snapped at anyone in 24 hours. Or maybe that's because we took her to my in-laws where Aunt Lisa fried her a steak.  I wish I was kidding. Even Gabe Kapler was celebrating. I swear I saw him smile.  Then Rhys Hoskins got clipped . He's another broken jaw away from his goal weight. But he'll have to try Weight Watchers until May because as much as Shane Carle wanted him uncomfortable at the plate, I don't think h...

Now that Bryce Harper swiped right on the Phillies, the acquisition has created more buzz than the electric line that came down in another freaking area snowstorm.  By this time in Philadelphia, two things are evident: Punxsutawney Phil is full of crap and we need a distraction. That's where I come in. Since Harper has monopolized the headlines for weeks, it's time to make this all about me.  This whole ordeal had the makings of a Harlequin romance—tease you for 200 pages but never get you off. Until John Middleton tapped into his inner E.L. James.  I haven’t felt this level of enthusiasm since Hunter Pence crossed the Schuylkill with chicken legs . His signing excited me so, it was the beginning of the end of my contribution to Bleacher Report . Hey,  I did what I did because love came to town . Now I’m hoping Harp’s contract will be the start of something beautiful. I need new fodder and Broad Street is horny for another parade. Bryce Harper Ign...

At the tender age of two, my son pushed a Hot Wheels car into the VCR slot. And it fit. Little did I know, this is the same type of infantile curiosity that would birth an app called Tinder. On that note, I saw a report about the spread of super gonorrhea. This was enlightening to me because I figured out that all this time I've been spelling my password wrong. Judging from the slow spread of disease, things are not going well. In the four years since my last post, the Phillies have failed to break 500 and following suit, things have gone from bad to worse: Kim Kardashian's behind got even bigger. Her derrière will go down in history as the Crown Jewel of Butts. And our country has the dubious honor of putting her there. Well done 'Merica. The Voice  started season 16 after only 8 years on TV. Instead of measuring accelerated time in dog years, we'll start calling them Voice years. Oddly, Blake Shelton has been so pickled through it all, he hasn't aged a ...