My Prediction: The Phillies Should Continue to Barely Lead the NL East

My friend, Dave, got this message on his Fitbit: "I hope that was 10,000 steps. If not, you're about to go blind."

I wonder if George Jetson got jerked around like that by Rosie.

Sometimes a joke is about the right choice of words. That means some of you got that and some of you will be dumbfounded until Tuesday.

That's okay. Stream a few episodes of The Bachelor and your brain will again cease to function.

So, I broke my toe. This makes the fact that Donald Trump is still President that much more annoying. 

And the fact that the Brewers left Milwaukee to show the Phils what a top-tier offense looks like, is as disappointing as a Philly cheesesteak made with real cheese.

That shit should come from cows in a can.

Like real food.

By the way, the Phillies are the worst team leading a division. The NL East also boasts the worst team in baseball. You can count the Marlins' wins on two hands and this includes a whopping 1 of their last 10. 

They've become the team you want to play for homecoming. 

The Wall Street Journal reported that math can predict a happy—or unhappy—marriage. Just another reason to get your kid into a STEM program. Instead of saying you suck as parents, he/she/they/their/them/it/ze/sie/hir/co/ey can tell you why.

Yes, this is my first genderfluid post. I'm not sure if I used that in context, but part of me knows I'm a punctuation fiend.

Zack Eflin had a complete game.

Zac Efron is a complete meal.

Before Marie Kondo there was Sara Berman. Her closet is going on display at Independence Mall as the first outdoor installation of the National Museum of American Jewish History.

Of all the significant points in Jewish history, this is where they started. 

Nordstrom is selling dirty jeans. For $425. If I start saving my husband's work pants, ironically, he'll never have to work again.

McDonald’s is partnering with the AARP to hire more seniors. Obviously, the life expectancy of teenagers and college students isn't long enough.

Or the fast food giant is targeting people who will actually show up for work. To do that, they went after the demographic that doesn't have to.

When you're on Social Security there's a limit to how much extra money you can earn. With what McDonald's pays, this won't be a problem.

Instead of admitting that fast food causes high cholesterol, they went for the people who are already medicated for it.

The new right wing agenda is to put the people with poor circulation, bad hearts and cataracts back to work. On a concrete floor. With poor lighting. Under stressful conditions. It's called the "No More Pussies" campaign.

"Enter your Golden Years with the Golden Arches."

By the way, the dairy industry is tanking. If McDonald's is reading this, I know a number of Holsteins looking for work.

orry for the flashy farm terms. I have an Agri-Business degree. This was the first time I've ever used it.

In the category of rebranding already hilarious videos, this is Rhys Hoskins trotting home. Or he was inspired by the original video before he smacked his revenge homer off Mets reliever, Jacob Rhame.

Everyone is whining about Bryce Harper's .220 batting average. Like I say when my husband pouts about how long it's been since we had sex: "Grow up."

But Bryce is compensating for his inadequacy at the plate with a dramatic performance in right field.

He's so fun to watch, Marvel is thinking of recruiting him as a new superhero. The Phils are pumped because, as his current owner, they're hoping to recoup some of that $330 million salary at the box office. 

Note to Bryce: It might be time to post more pics of your baby's ultrasound. Just so Phillies fans remember you're a person.

Friend not Food


Lefty, Cole Irvin made his Major League debut exactly thirteen years to the day after the other Cole—2008 World Series MVP—Hamels. Who is now pitching for the division leading Chicago Cubs and is about five years from coming back for a tearful retirement celebration. Like Jimmy Rollins.
Irvin has big shoes to fill. Making the comparison after one game might be a bit premature.
At least that's what a Fitbit would say.

#SexStrike is on. Who knew that something I started a decade ago would someday be trending. 

My husband says I’m delusional. It started at least 12 years ago. In his continual quest for a cure, he started wearing safety yellow to bed just to rule out poor eyesight.

Rain ponchos are the new Rubik's Cube. Here's how to cheat: 

There’s a trend in articles touting “what your dog is saying...” They claim to have cracked the code on canine communication by interpreting what he/she/they/their/them/it/ze/sie/hir/co/ey mean by their behavior. 

Curious as to what language dogs were speaking when they finally broke silence.

I’m sure glad one of them did. I have no idea what my dog means when she sits by her water dish and barks.

I tell her to use your inside voice. Then I give her a treat.

On the 20th anniversary of the Columbine shooting, it’s apparently open season on students. 

Hey! Don’t call me callous. I have to reach an Anthony Jeselnik level of apathy just to get out of bed. 

We’ve evolved from “thoughts and prayers” to celebrating students who bravely sacrificed their lives to save others. And the response to the Florida student activists is to distribute guns to teachers. I’m on the edge of my seat to see what comes next.

Honestly, people, I can’t script this shit.

I boob dialed my phone. My family isn't considering this an accomplishment, they're calling it a miracle.
I saw a list of the six things you need to have from The Avengers. Here's a hint: The first five are shaped like wands. Ladies, after you use those, #Sexstrike will get real.
Andrew McCutcheon is on the Phillies retro t-shirt giveaway and, at Citizens Bank Park, he's the face of the AARP. At the tender age of 32.

Betcha he wishes Jamie Moyer was still in the league. Who, by the way, I swear I recently saw serving Whoppers.

Meagan Markel gave birth.
We're over the moon because this was sooooo different than what zillions of women have done for eons.

The new heir is 7th in line to the throne. That means I’m now 1,546,849th in line to reach a thousand followers on Twitter.

Also, j
ust because it's funny...

I still haven’t received a response from Phillies management about my thong giveaway suggestion. In their defense, I started this crusade back when Jayson Werth was my master.

All I want is something fancy to wear on my head.

And to look at the person sitting next to me and say, "Does this hat make my butt look big?"

But after binging Lucifer on Netflix, I have an idea for the perfect Bryce Harper giveaway: orgy pants. It's the same concept as "chaps" except I'll be wearing Tom Ellis on my face.

Wait. That came out wrong.

Or did it?

Any jeans he wears are considered dirty.

This is what the Phils look like when they get home after a disappointing loss.

The Lehigh Valley IronPigs had an Urban Survival Kit giveaway. I was unfamiliar with the term so I googled it:
I was relatively certain few of these would fit in Coca-Cola Park, so, naturally, I inquired. I was told the kit contains "a number of first aid and survival items like energy bars, water, a flashlight, respirator, bandages, gauze pads and more."

But no Taco Bell hot sauce. They're so 2018.

A recent headline: Pig Steals Camper's Beer, Gets Drunk & Starts a Fight With a Cow.

Thank God this happened in Australia.

At last, we were spared another MAGA moment.

See you at the ballpark.

RIP David P. Montgomery


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