The 2019 Non-Annual, Bi-Frequently, Semi-Periodic Philadelphia Phillies Bucket List

At the tender age of two, my son pushed a Hot Wheels car into the VCR slot. And it fit. Little did I know, this is the same type of infantile curiosity that would birth an app called Tinder.

On that note, I saw a report about the spread of super gonorrhea. This was enlightening to me because I figured out that all this time I've been spelling my password wrong.

Judging from the slow spread of disease, things are not going well. In the four years since my last post, the Phillies have failed to break 500 and following suit, things have gone from bad to worse:

Kim Kardashian's behind got even bigger. Her derrière will go down in history as the Crown Jewel of Butts. And our country has the dubious honor of putting her there. Well done 'Merica.

The Voice started season 16 after only 8 years on TV. Instead of measuring accelerated time in dog years, we'll start calling them Voice years. Oddly, Blake Shelton has been so pickled through it all, he hasn't aged a bit.

I figured out if you don't empty your lint screen every 16 loads, you'll burn down the house. I'm just extrapolating because at 15, I got a spark.

We have devices in our homes that we'll talk to and then communicate with family in the house by text message. We consider this progress.

More than 65 years of video are uploaded to YouTube every day. Most of those are life coaches broadcasting a morning inspirational video taken with their cell phone. Nothing says, "I'm living the dream" like podcasting from your car on the way to your day job.

Things I discovered while sleeping with my husband: a bad smell can wake you up.

Game of Thrones has still not ended. Knowing the White Walkers have been slowly advancing for two years is as agonizing as waiting for the next election. If anything, the way the Walkers decimated the wall at Eastwatch should show us how futile that whole border thing is.

My son summed up the last season of GOT like this: "Everyone is lying to us and I'm deeply saddened." This, I guess, just adds to the bleakness of so much other news.

Like Jon Stewart leaving The Daily Show. I'm not saying he was tired of the company he was keeping but he now passes time with cows and pigs. And David Letterman et al. joined an exodus from late night that included Jay Leno and Craig Ferguson. This shakeup mirrored the succession of managers that stood in the shadow of Charlie Manuel.

My point is, in the years since Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, Roys Halladay (RIP) and Oswalt, along with, umm, what's his name, boasted the NL top spot, nothing good has happened.

Things are so slow at Citizens Bank Park, the Phillies have a BOGO promotion on tickets.

I wish Scott Boras had a BOGO. This is why Groupon should get into the MLB.

You know things are bad when Bernie Sanders can raise millions in less than a week. I don't think Pamela Anderson even did that.

Yes, that's a dick joke.

Catch up 'Merica.

Here's a recent headline: "These Five Teams Will Be Better Than You Think." If a great title engages readers, it should be: "These Five Teams Will Be Hotter Than You Think."

It's a good thing I'm getting back into baseball.

Things are so slow the MLB is offering a credit card with 3% cash back in the category of your choice.

Category? Like a rookie or a veteran? Hmm, depends on my mood. How about pinstripes or vintage jerseys? Or no clothes at all? My mind just seized.

Like when @RichardJustice used “prognostication” in his Monday blog. Dude, we’re not British.

By the way, anyone wonder why everyone on Game of Thrones is a Brit? They got all the cool people. James Bond. Idris Elba. Nothing says 'Merica peaked early like Tom Ellis cast as Lucifer, because there's nothing sexier in America than a guy from Britain.

How strange is it that Jersey Shore originated in the United States yet the devil is from England?

Remember when we used to be excited for who was on our team instead of wondering who we could get for our team?

The next thing you know, the Dodgers will outbid the Phils to acquire Bryce Harper and we'll see a GoFundMe site to win him back.

My point is, like Game of Thrones, we're in a negative holding pattern. Nothing has happened since 2012 when the team finished 500.

A glimmer of hope
Enter free agent, Bryce Harper. Finally, rebuilding has moved beyond wishful thinking.

That's where I come in. No one wishes she could think more than me.

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Where was I?

That bucket thing. Sorry.

Now, when I thought about the organization of my list, I considered bullets or numbers or pinning the tail on Aaron Nola's butt. I even tried little Scott Kingery silhouettes but I couldn’t get them to stand still. So I settled for the rant. Not only is the rant my favorite form of communication, it’s possibly the least effective one.

In that case, it’ll work quite well. I strive to be different but I’ve been called much worse.

Without further ado, here it is:

I want a BOGO on Tinder. I'm suspicious that Robert Kraft got one and I want one too.

I want to start a PAC to sign Mike Trout in 2021.

I want Bradley Cooper to look like he's as gaga over me as he is over Lady Gaga.

I want a Phillies lineup that doesn't look like someone regularly picked it up and shook it.

Instead of the Electoral College, I want a Presidential draft.

I want to ride my motorcycle from coast to coast and I want Jim Cantore to scare the weather into cooperating.

I want people to stop hating. The world would be greatly improved if everyone stopped being a dick.

I want an agent who can get me $300 million over 10 years. Actually, that'd take a genie. My husband says if that's the case, I better start stroking something. Fast.

I simply want Idris Elba.

I want a dog that curbs itself. Cats can be trained to use the toilet and they don't even like water.

I want the car parts my husband is storing in my backseat to be installed under my hood where they'll do the most good.

I want to earn points for every mile I spend in a tow truck dispatched by AAA.

I want Gabe Kapler's uniform modified to emphasize the fact that he really is "The Body." I have some ideas and no skill at all. (Call me.)

I want Marvel to stop teasing me with Iron Man 4.

I want people to stop posting subsequent birthdays of those who have died. Your grandpa would not have been 130 years old today. Because no one ever lives to be 130. Find something else to do.

I want to outlaw the selfie. I see you. You're pretty. Now go clean your room.

I still want Kevin Costner to give me a long, slow, deep, soft, wet kiss that lasts three days. Damn, when will he read my blog?

I want a Stephen Colbert app. I don't know why but it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling knowing he's near.

I want stock in Spanx. Then I want them to design one that makes it possible to pee without pulling a muscle.

I want Amazon Prime to deliver wins.

I want a grandchild so for the first six years of its life, I can use the bumpers at the bowling alley again.

I want non-profit organizations to stop being sneaky about signing me up for recurring payments. It doesn't make me want to help you.

I want face yoga recognized as a full body workout.

I want a bra that instead of making my boobs look bigger, it makes them look higher.

I want more sleep.

I want the SEC to stop thinking Elon Musk will act like a real CEO. It's like asking Keith Richards to act normal.

I want people to stop asking for a list of those Mueller didn't indict. Think about it. That includes you and me.

I want chocolate that has a full day supply of vitamins and minerals.

I want agents to stop telling me I'm a really great writer with a really great story and sign me already.

Most of all, I want Citizens Bank Park dusted off and smelling like Bull's BBQ.
Penis Cactus

So that’s my list. Players have reported for duty, the season is early and after completely making it through menopause, there's no chance I'll be late. Ever.

Have I shown you a picture of my penis cactus? I should mention that I rescued it. From the trash. That whole John Wayne Bobbitt thing still lingers.

So does the hope of another season like 2008.

See you at the ballpark.


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