Philitically Incorrect

I've been watching the internet for any sign that this is an April Fool's joke.  Three consecutive days of waking up in a euphoric Philly time loop has completely healed the carnage caused by Us. I haven't slept since seeing the trailer. The Phillies lineup, a musical hopscotch of righty, righty, lefty; righty, righty, lefty, is coming together like the chorus line from Newsies. And fans are screen-shotting the National League standings at MLB.com for their profile pics.  Or that's just me. My dog is even happy. She hasn't snapped at anyone in 24 hours. Or maybe that's because we took her to my in-laws where Aunt Lisa fried her a steak.  I wish I was kidding. Even Gabe Kapler was celebrating. I swear I saw him smile.  Then Rhys Hoskins got clipped . He's another broken jaw away from his goal weight. But he'll have to try Weight Watchers until May because as much as Shane Carle wanted him uncomfortable at the plate, I don't think h...

The world is awash with news so I thought I'd take this opportunity to give it a fresh perspective. Or to just get fresh.  Besides, waiting for Opening Day is as excruciating as watching my sister-in-law parallel park.  We'd help her, but it's far more fun standing around yelling, "FORE!" The big news is, four Phils have graced the recent cover of Sports Illustrated:  Phil Hoskins Phil Harper Phil Nola Phil Realmuto If this is the first time in eight years that the organization earned covergirl status, I have some advice: Try getting married. The span between notable events will seem far longer. Or it actually will be. Back in 2011, the Phillies were also all the SI buzz. That's when the Fab Five: Roy Halladay (RIP), Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt were perched atop the stout thighs of Joe Blanton.  That was the year Ruben Amaro, Jr. took the over/under on the  Moneyball  theory and lost . That was the same...

Weeks ago, when there was a rumor connecting Bryce Harper to the Phillies,  I had one  thought: I wish there was a rumor connecting me to Bryce Harper. One that didn't end in a lengthy court case.  Hope springs eternal Since then, the 330 Million Dollar Man caught heat from the Angels for publicly "recruiting" Mike Trout.  The whining was heard 'round the world. The Angels threw out a strong term for what he did: "tampering." I've been accused of that. If that's what you call it. And to take the heat off my new top pinup, in this post, I hope to make it vividly clear, this might not end well. To make sure I effectively shield Harp from scorn, I've even drawn from past posts. This will emphasize a few points: You should take a spin through my archives and, just like Lady Gaga, I was born this way. As Richard Branson says, "Be a disruptor." In a 1000 words or less, that's something he'll soon regret.  Caution: Spe...

Now that Bryce Harper swiped right on the Phillies, the acquisition has created more buzz than the electric line that came down in another freaking area snowstorm.  By this time in Philadelphia, two things are evident: Punxsutawney Phil is full of crap and we need a distraction. That's where I come in. Since Harper has monopolized the headlines for weeks, it's time to make this all about me.  This whole ordeal had the makings of a Harlequin romance—tease you for 200 pages but never get you off. Until John Middleton tapped into his inner E.L. James.  I haven’t felt this level of enthusiasm since Hunter Pence crossed the Schuylkill with chicken legs . His signing excited me so, it was the beginning of the end of my contribution to Bleacher Report . Hey,  I did what I did because love came to town . Now I’m hoping Harp’s contract will be the start of something beautiful. I need new fodder and Broad Street is horny for another parade. Bryce Harper Ign...

At the tender age of two, my son pushed a Hot Wheels car into the VCR slot. And it fit. Little did I know, this is the same type of infantile curiosity that would birth an app called Tinder. On that note, I saw a report about the spread of super gonorrhea. This was enlightening to me because I figured out that all this time I've been spelling my password wrong. Judging from the slow spread of disease, things are not going well. In the four years since my last post, the Phillies have failed to break 500 and following suit, things have gone from bad to worse: Kim Kardashian's behind got even bigger. Her derrière will go down in history as the Crown Jewel of Butts. And our country has the dubious honor of putting her there. Well done 'Merica. The Voice  started season 16 after only 8 years on TV. Instead of measuring accelerated time in dog years, we'll start calling them Voice years. Oddly, Blake Shelton has been so pickled through it all, he hasn't aged a ...