Philadelphia Phillies: If Eight Years Seems Like a Long Time...

The world is awash with news so I thought I'd take this opportunity to give it a fresh perspective. Or to just get fresh. 

Besides, waiting for Opening Day is as excruciating as watching my sister-in-law parallel park. We'd help her, but it's far more fun standing around yelling, "FORE!"

The big news is, four Phils have graced the recent cover of Sports Illustrated: 

Phil Hoskins
Phil Harper
Phil Nola
Phil Realmuto

If this is the first time in eight years that the organization earned covergirl status, I have some advice:

Try getting married. The span between notable events will seem far longer.

Or it actually will be.

Back in 2011, the Phillies were also all the SI buzz. That's when the Fab Five: Roy Halladay (RIP), Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels and Roy Oswalt were perched atop the stout thighs of Joe Blanton. 

That was the year Ruben Amaro, Jr. took the over/under on the Moneyball theory and lost.

That was the same year Mike Trout and Bryce Harper were #1 and #2 prospects, respectively. Now Jersey Mike will sign a historical contract with the Angels that will overshadow the best paid player status Harp has held for three glorious weeks.

Mike received a congratulatory text from soon-to-be #2. 

Only in 2019 could a ballplayer sign an all-sport record-breaking contract and get 'Congrats' via text. 

If that's considered sincere, why not just post thumbs up on Twitter and let him search for it via hashtag?

Like I did.

In a breathtaking moment, Harper, the most effective member of the Phillies marketing team, took a shot to the ankle. Actually it was a 96 mile-per-hour fast ball but I'm trying to create a visceral image here. 


With Bryce’s boo-boo, one thing was evident: The Phillies need a Band-Aid girl. 


Ahem. I have lots of experience. My kid ran through so many boxes, if adhesive strips could be used to scale walls, I’d be on a watch list. 

After an x-ray revealed far less of Harp's body than I was hoping for, he hopped right back in the lineup. Much to my chagrin. 


Dude, I’ve been milking a stubbed toe for a week. You’re making me look like a pussie. 

If you didn't see Uriah Faber's Instagram lately, it's proof that social media is ripe with new parent pride. I love it when celebrities have a baby and it's the most precious, amazing, extraordinary experience of their life right up to the point when the stupid bastard can't get into college.

Cue the FBI. 

Like @m_braunfeld said, “Some people buy their kids a spot at a top college. I bought my kid a Baby Taylor and a Squier J Bass. We’ll see how it all works out in the long run.”


All this college talk made me contemplate my credentials. So I started putting together my resume. It goes like this:

My cousin designed the logo for GoDaddy.

That's as far as I got.

To continue my quest to find an agent, I joined a writers group. I'm not taking this personally, but they never sent me the address. 

Because of the Lehigh Valley IronPigs, I’m considering changing my name to Bacon. Will that help?

My husband says, "Just stop talking."

@ToddZolecki reported that because of Andrew McCutcheon's combination of on-base skills and power, he'll be leadoff hitter on Opening Day. 

He had me at “skills.”


ESPN claimed that in 2018, the Phillies suffered from clubhouse issues like one that led to a smashed television. During games, it seems, teammates were playing Fortnite


Fortnite? What happened to Minecraft?


Or as my husband calls it, "Mind Crap."


On St. Patty's Day, Shane Victorino wore a t-shirt that read: "I’m Hawaiian, kiss me anyway." 


I got news for you Shane, you don’t have to beg.

In other news, the MLB is trying on some rule changes, like a hard trade deadline, extra innings during the All Star Game that involve second base and a three-batter minimum per pitcher.


I'll double down on a three-batter minimum and raise you a full monty:

  • Batters in the circle must complete a full body rotation.
  • Fans are allowed in the locker room via lottery.
  • Management must add an annual Phillies thong giveaway.
  • This must be required headgear on Opening Day.

I was recently accused of having a dirty mind. 

You think I'm bad? Who decided it was appropriate to shoot a wiener from a t-shit cannon?

Anyone know what percentage of Hatfield hot dogs are keto? Asking for a friend.


My husband took up snoring over the winter. Now sleeping with him is as pleasant as rolling on a Lego. 


Here's a headline: Female Dragonflies Fake Death to Avoid Males Harassing Them for Sex


I feel a kinship. 


Where was I? 


Science confirmed that forgetting things is actually a sign of very high intelligence. 


I don’t know where I saw that.


A friend got her identity stolen. 
But not me. I use two effective detriments: bad credit and a crappy house. Try garbage picking your paint and using your gutters as a garden plot. Nothing deters thieves like making it obvious you have nothing left to live for. 

Stephen King published some of his finest work this week. He tweeted that Donald Trump is "a mendacious, narcissistic, draft-dodging, chickenshitty, bullshitty, chauvanistic, pussy-grabbing, bullyragging, racist, overweening, tax-dodging, whiny, boastful, dictatorial, and semi-literate."


And I only had to Google three words. 


I watched a video of robots built specifically to complete the water-flip challenge. 

That’s 23 seconds I’ll never get back.

Dodgers pitcher Joe Kelly injured himself by spending five hours on his back preparing a crawfish boil for the team dinner. 


Wait, that didn't come out right. 


My husband says I might have mistaken that for my weekend.

The crashes of two Boeing 737 Max 8s revealed jetmakers are allowed to self certify that planes meet FAA safety requirements. 

I’m not surprised. The food additives industry does that too. The only thing you’re guaranteed on a label is that you can’t pronounce the ingredients. 


Bryce Harper got his first hit as a Phillie. His Spring Training stats still look like my line at the bowling alley. 


Did you know baseballreference.com has projections on every player's stats for 2019? Of all the estimates they claim, my money's on the box marked 'age.'

Odubel Herrera is back with a new hairdo. The stat I'd like to see is how much drag is caused by his helmet wobbling off his head when he runs. 

In other news, local police are cracking down on aggressive driving. I read this and thought, 'We have local police?' I'll admit, I've noticed a police presence. That means I actually spotted one. 

If you're interested in how to deal with an aggressive driver, consider my husband's technique for disarming a tailgater. This requires more bullet points:
  • Slow waaaay down and lure them directly onto your bumper.
  • Ensure they are wild with appreciation.
  • Slam on the brakes.
  • Immediately engage rapid acceleration.
He demonstrated this for me. Without warning. I'm still haunted by the screech of the tailgater's tires. As we pulled away, unscathed, the culprit sat frozen in the middle of the road. 

True story.


My husband also had me at "skills."


Warning: Don't try this at home.

See you at the ballpark. 



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Copyright © 2019 Cindy Falteich, All rights reserved.

Comments

  1. Oh Cindy, I've missed your first two Phillies blogs this year. It is with great joy that I see that you've returned to where I first became aware of your insightful and irreverent fun-filled humor and knowledge of baseball. You are and always have been the bomb! I'm looking forward to catching up reading your future baseball blogs.
    Your buddy, Rich

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    1. Rich, you rule. I can't thank you enough! Make sure you never miss another post by signing up for email updates here: http://eepurl.com/ggPBXP

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